Comments for Gypsy Memoirs

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by Christy

Christy — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 23:49:58 +0000

Thank you. Parenting is by far the most humbling experience I’ve ever had, and they’re just getting warmed up! Your phraseology hit home with me, and “is this changing her heart?” is one question I’m gonna keep in my head. Thanks again!

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by gypsymemoirs

gypsymemoirs — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 19:15:39 +0000

Yeah, eliminating the yelling is hard. I always noticed parents who yelled and thought to myself, “Wow, THAT’S a great example you’re setting for your children.” What judgmental jerks we can be toward other parents sometimes! But then I found myself yelling – and yelling, and yelling, and yelling. Taytem doesn’t listen! Sometimes I think she’s deaf, until she overhears something she’s not supposed to, and then it makes me REALLY mad to know that she’s just not listening to me. I’m getting the yelling under control, and realizing that the less I yell, whether she responds appropriately or not, the more peace I have for myself.

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by gypsymemoirs

gypsymemoirs — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 19:11:11 +0000

I don’t think it makes you a less Godly parent at all! I think every parent needs to recognize what works for THEIR child, rather than just going into parenting with such concrete ideas about what they will or will not do as discipline. I was an ardent believer in spanking before I became a parent, and I still totally believe that it may very well be THE necessary action for some kids (like me).

Going back through what I wrote, I realized that I think I worded things a bit differently than I should have. When I said that spanking was a rare and extreme measure, I only meant that for MY family. But for some kids, a spanking is what reaches their heart – and that is the entire point. I think it’s important for parents to be able to discern whether their kids are just complying out of fear, or if their heart is actually being transformed in the process of discipline. Some kids fear privileges being taken away, but it doesn’t change their heart. I realized that Taytem fears spankings, but it doesn’t change her heart. For me, spankings humbled me and gave me a better attitude. I think you’re a very Godly parent if you are paying attention to your child’s heart and attitude and acting accordingly.

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by Brooke

Brooke — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:51:48 +0000

All great points. We have chosen not to spank. My husband and I have both spent time as teachers of children who came from rough homes. Seeing different results in children who have experienced physical punishment in inappropriate ways is frightening. We talked about it and with some research decided that we just couldn’t get on board with possibly sending the wrong message (things with size —we’re big, she’s not— and submission, self-esteem, and who knows what else could be wrapped up in there?). Our daughter sounds very similar to Taytem—the slightly sassy and very sensitive camp.

I really like the justifications you’ve written about. They make a lot of sense and for me further enforce our decision not to spank.

And this paragraph:
No, my love. I do not “actually” know what a pancreas does. But I do know how to Google it, and Taytem does not. There’s still at least a week before she has that little gem figured out. Then, I’m screwed.
…made me laugh out loud.

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by Christy

Christy — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:50:43 +0000

I always love your insights. It is wonderful to make a discovery like this about your child’s needs and uniqueness that can have such a huge impact on your daily life. So there is probably no way for me to respond to this and come out feeling ok. I fear I will be the only one of your readers who feels like this………….For me, spanking as a legitimate tool WAS the enlightenment. I had been anti-spanking — would never even have considered it — until about a year ago. All the moms around here are. In fact if you say the word spank in this town you might have DSS knocking on your door. So this was a very tough and unpopular decision for us to come to. I have 3 very strong-willed girls. The middle one (age 5) doesn’t care much about consequences/removal of privs and she fears nothing. Spanking works for her when nothing else will. Within 5 minutes of the spank she is happy, loving and more cooperative while still trying to push the envelope (she’s very talented that way.) We have a lot of work to do on our overall disciplinary process but knowing that spanking is available has given me hope when there was none. I only wish I had found this out when my oldest was 3. We may have avoided so much of our struggle, the yelling and the bad examples that got passed to her younger sisters…………….This realization surprised me, as did the nature of my children. I was much more like Chloe as a child. Although there was some pretty harsh discipline in our house, I never received much of it becase I was afraid to be non-compliant or in disagreement. I kept that fear with me for about 37 years. So yes, less yelling and spanking in the house would have been better for me too! Of course, my big sisters got the brunt of it and were never afraid of anyone. …………………Everyone’s situation is unique, each child is different, and everything working today could break tomorrow. Our family’s goal is to eliminate the need for spankings, but I am thankful for this “new” tool that I believe is an answer to prayer. Does spanking make me a less Godly parent? Perhaps. I don’t know.

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by Chloe

Chloe — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 22:31:00 +0000

Ps. Very important point that we are under the new covenant & God’s spirit lives in us. He deals with us so differently through grace!

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by Chloe

Chloe — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 22:29:04 +0000

Exactly. That’s a more articule way of putting it.
How to teach a healthy way to resolve things without feeling intimiated by people. Let me know what u find that works. A lot of my friends have liked Danny silk “loving our kids on purpose”. I’m just starting to read it. Let me know if there’s anything else insightful u find

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by Ben

Ben — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:08:46 +0000

Good job as always, Ellany… Taytem and Katie sound identical in this respect. We stopped spanking her about two months ago, and also resolved to stop yelling. We’re still working on the yelling, but stopped the spankings and started taking away toys and privileges instead. The emotion in her voice before and during spankings was nothing short of absolute terror, and like Taytem, would get to the point of hysterics where it would take 15-30 minutes just to get her calmed down enough to breathe and speak properly. I started getting convicted. When was the last time God terrorized me? Never. The verse in Ephesians about not provoking your children to wrath is certainly true for Katie. Physical punishments and raising my voice with her do nothing but make her fearful of me and more defiant. Who knows? Maggie might be completely different and respond well to a controlled spanking, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by gypsymemoirs

gypsymemoirs — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:31:50 +0000

Chloe, I totally agree, and find your personal insights really interesting. It took me a long time to realize that I was trying to get Taytem to obey ME rather than trying to teach her to obey God. While children do need to learn proper responses to authority, that needs to ultimately be translated to having a right relationship with God. I’m afraid that my previous methods were more along the lines of trying to get her to comply with human expectations through intimidation, rather than helping her get to know God through relationship. The previous would teach her to simply go along with whoever was the most intimidating force, be it government, bullies, a bad boss, etc. But in learning about her right relationship with God, and that HE is the authority in her life, she can learn when to submit and when to stand up for herself, because she is no longer intimidated by the human use of force against her.

Comment on To Spank or Not to Spank? – That is the Question (Part 1) by chloe

chloe — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:15:09 +0000

i think you are very insightful to see that what worked for you as a kid, has a totally different affect on Taytem. I have really regretted in my adult life, the fact that I somehow learned as a kid, that being obedient & doing as I was told, were the most important things…. probably because my nature is more passive. But those attributes have not served me well as an adult in a free society where women have rights & a voice. I realized that when i came time for me to stand up to a doctor alone in an office whom I didn’t agree with, I was usually not able to do so. I realized that putting too much value on being compliant can give kids the message that they should always agree with & obey whomever is trying to control them (friends, boyfriend, authorities). How I wish i had been a strong minded kid, but I was more of a go-with-the-flow, don’t-cause-waves, kind of kid…. perhaps that came from being a twin, and fearing to disappoint my sister by doing something she didn’t approve of (since we were twins, if one of us said “yes” to something my mom asked us, then she assumed we both said “yes”, so, I was always afraid to give the wrong answer, and have my sister mad at me that we choose to go to grandma’s house all day, if she didn’t want to do that.)
Anyhow, I feel that placing a high value on having a well-behaved child, teaches that kid to not be able to express their true needs/feelings/ fears etc, and they grow up, not knowing why they feel powerless. But I know every kid is different… and perhaps a stong minded child would not have the same problem as I did. However, I think it is very important that all kids be able to express how they feel & validated in their expression, so that when they grow up, they will know how to resolve disagreements without having to use anger & frustration as their only tool. Even though I grew up with spankings, I think they should be reserved for rare occasions. After awhile, I thought it was rather a joke when my dad chased me around the house in a rage trying to swat at me. He always ended up being the one frustrated & angry. I just hid until he settled down.
however, my mom’s method was to just be grumppy for awhile, not a fun thing to deal with either.
taytem is blessed to have such a caring mom.